Juxtaposition

Wow, I almost missed my evening post. That’d have been a crushing blow to my ego, considering I’ve done so well over the month. Now, onto real content.

It amazes me how the human mind works with emotion. Today I experienced a myriad of emotions, some of which are diametrically opposed, creating for a serious juxtaposition of feeling. A smorgasbord of emotions, all wrapped into one complex ball that is me. Mélange de Brian.

I finally got in touch with my mom and found out that my grandmother’s epiglottis hasn’t been functioning properly, and as such some things that she tries to swallow had been going down into her lungs instead of her stomach. They attempted a feeding tube through her nose and down into her stomach, but it kept coming out and was fairly painful each time. They finally went ahead and did a surgery to insert a feeding tube directly into her stomach. I guess the whole procedure was really painful (as I can imagine) and the tube is still healing a bit, so they haven’t been using it quite yet. She’s got something that I think my mom said is called a “pig” that is effectively a bi-directional connection into a vein, and she’s been getting nutrition through that.

I ran into an old friend of mine today, another Brian. I’ll refer to him as Brian L or just Brian (as I don’t feel right disclosing his last name online without his expressed consent - those who know me well know who this is, and if I say Brian you’ll know who I’m talking about). I was on my way to drop off Lisa’s graduate application, but I took some time to sit and talk with him. You see, Brian was my best man, as he was my best friend from back in elementary. He was one of the few kids who stuck with me through all of my rough years in middle and high school, and was always someone I could lean on. He moved away for college, and we both changed a lot but kept in touch. Then he went and fell in love with a girl I had a bad crush on at the time, and that was just really, well, weird and disruptive in my life, as they each served separate roles to me and yet now were intertwined.

Anyways, basically Brian and Myra (the girl) were both very unsupportive of my love for Lisa and my desire to marry her so quickly. They were being fairly hypocritical in a sense, as they were in a position somewhat similar to where Lisa and I were. It was frustrating to say the least. There were multiple occasions where they brought me to tears. I still kept him as my best man, though, because I wanted to try and work things out.

Well, things didn’t work out. We wound up getting into a nasty fight and we basically stopped talking. Lisa and I then moved out to VA. After we got back, they seemed to be trying to be hospitable towards us for some reason, they even bought us a Christmas present. We didn’t return the action. We still didn’t really talk to them, although I found myself more and more desirous to talk to them for a reason I couldn’t understand. Maybe it was because they had been so important at one time and it was difficult to get around. I don’t really know. I really wanted to talk to Brian, since he had been my friend longer and it was hard to lose his friendship.

Well, I’ve been trying to get ahold of them repeatedly over the past six months or so. After John’s passing, it awoke in me this urge to make sure that everyone who is important to me in some way or another knows where they stand in my life. Even if we were to never talk again, I just wanted to let Brian know that I understood where things were at, that I had some regrets as I’m sure they did over the whole thing, and that even if we never spoke again, that we were at least at the same understanding.

Bumping into Brian finally got me some of that closure today. I talked to him for about twenty minutes, discussing things that I had wanted to let them know and wasn’t sure if I already had. They knew John had passed away, although I don’t recall telling them (he says I did). He knows of my regrets, I know of his. I learned that he’s decided that, while he treasures the memories of our childhood friendship, that our friendship was really based on a façade of sorts. I told him that one thing I missed was that he was the one person who could consistently best me at things and that the competition was enjoyable. He told me that he thinks that he took advantage of that as a kid, and that he was a “real dick” about things and would usually best me just for the boost he got from it. I had been sure that we were really good friends, and I’m sure that there’s still some truth to that, but in a way it destroyed my mental image of a very large part of my childhood and adolescent years. It was like being told that I’ve been lied to since I was seven or so and only now have learned of the truth. That was hard, but I put up my own façade at the time, which was easy since I had my sunglasses on. I had taken them off, but put them back on because the wind was too much for my contacts. In a sense, I used to hide behind my glasses before when I was a kid, and I took back to that today.

We both basically came to the point that, while we regret some things that happened, we have also both changed a lot and things will never be back where they were. I never expected that they would be, and didn’t necessarily want them to be. Before this meeting, I thought I’d be happy to try and rekindle that friendship with Brian a little bit, to rebuild it into something more meaningful, more mature. I’ve come to find out now that it doesn’t really seem to be in either of their interests to even attempt to keep in touch. Brian said he’s going to write me a more detailed email at some point, and I kind of believe that, but I’m not so sure that I care now.

I wanted some sort of closure, and I got more than I thought I would.

Like a lot of people out there, I’m a packrat. I have trouble throwing things away. I have some old game boxes that are doing nothing but wasting space and gathering dust, yet I can’t really bring myself to throw them away. Who knows, I might want them someday. Heck, I have three empty Fresca cans sitting on my desk. I’m kind of bad at getting rid of anything. I’m like that with people. These people caused me some of the greatest heartache I have known to date, some of the most frustration I have ever experienced, and even through that I couldn’t take totally cutting them out of my life. I felt like I at least needed to know where they were at, to know where they stood, and to see if they wanted to try and reconnect, even if on a casual level. Now, it’s basically that they want some sort of closure and will chat friendly if we bump into each other, but I won’t be expecting my phone to ring anytime soon. The thing I find odd about it all is that normally Myra was very confrontational about things, and I’m surprised that they didn’t just return my calls some months ago and say all of this. It would have saved me some time and frustration.

Writing all of this out has really helped me out. It’s amazing what a wonderful feeling can come from the release of writing.

It seems that, for each phase of life, there are sets of friends that are always there, solid friends who will be there for you, with you through thick and thin. I had imagined that Brian and I would be friends like that. We were, in our childhood years and adolescent years - our development phase, if you will. I would say that starting in 2000, a new phase began. Lisa became my best friend (well, that was late 1999). Brian and Myra slowly started to fade out of my life, causing scars as they went. Nasser and I got even closer than we were. Living with Carlos was frustrating near the end to put it politely, but we became better friends after it because of it. Now, Nasser and Deszarae (Nasser’s fiancée) are a couple that we find ourselves hanging out with frequently, as well as Deszarae’s brother Tony and his wife Tina once in awhile (as one big group). Anthony is still around like always, but he’s matured quite a bit and is ever the fascinating conversationalist, when we’re not playing games. Carlos is one of our best friends and we always make sure to spend time with him when he’s in town, even if it’s just lounging around the living room for hours, talking up a storm.

In a way, I’m envious of the girls over at RRG. The four of them have a lifetime friendship. They grew up together, and while each one is at a different point in life, they still have solid bonds and connections (yeah, they’re two pairs of sisters, but nonetheless, the friendship is amazingly strong). When I was a kid, I figured that Brian and I would be like that. I know that things change, but it’s a hard change to swallow in some ways. I feel a little rejected in a sense, but that’s okay, because at least now I feel rejected with solid reason. It’s not just speculation anymore.

So yes, today went through a myriad of emotions, from much joy to sadness over things both big and small. Really, in the grand scheme of things, my grandmother’s situation is much more dire, but the silly frustrations with Brian rise to the forefront. Normally I try to do a better job of prioritizing my concerns.

Now, I will go to sleep and wake up in hopefully a happy mood after a pleasant night’s sleep. If you read all of my thoughts, I’m impressed. Thanks for listening to me ramble.